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tv   Up to the Minute  CBS  July 26, 2011 3:05am-4:30am EDT

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the kids, no connection between pete and my children and between me and his children. >> dr. phil: right. what did you think about what i was saying to rob about what he is doing wrong and what he needs to do right? >> i think it made a lot of sense. i need to ease up a little bit. >> dr. phil: somehow or another, we've got this mindset in america that because the two of you get married that, a, your kids are supposed to all of a sudden just become brothers and sisters and that just because you are in love with him that they are all of a sudden supposed to be in love with him and vice versa. who decided that? was that decided one night when i was out of town or something? i've been doing this for over 35 years. i'll tell you what the number one predictor is for me, is not whether it goes smoothly or not, not whether the family life goes smoothly, not whether the marriage goes smoothly or not, but whether or not the expectations are violated.
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if you have a couple that goes in and they're like this is going to be like on tv, and i'm going to meet him at the door every night naked with a martini and he's going to come in and sweep me off my feet and music is going to play and it's going to be wonderful. if that's the expectation and then when you get married it's like, well, wait a minute, where's the martini and what are you doing with those sweatpants on and we've got to pay these bills here and will you get the kid to shut up and turn the tv -- you're like, whoa, your expectation was violated and so you have a huge reaction. now, if two people get married and say, boy, this is going to be an uphill battle because we're going to start sharing time, space, money, division of labor, we've got some kids we're throwing in the mix, this is going to be a rough road, but we love each other and we're going to get through it. they'll do fine. exactly the same things can happen, the second couple will
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do fine. the first couple won't because their expectations were violated in the first case and not in the second. so what do pete and maureen's kids think about what's going on at home? we're going to hear from two of them when we come back. and then i'm going to tell you guys exactly how you can turn this thing in a positive direction. i'm going to put verbs in my sentences. it's going to be very doable. we'll be right back. >> my mom and pete fight about stupid things and he'll walk up, he'll come back in, and then they won't talk for like a couple of days. >> i wish that dad and maureen wouldn't fight anymore because i like when we're all together. >> dr. phil: and later -- >> i have two daughters. my husband, wayne, has 13-year-old boy/girl twins. my problem is that i don't feel like a real mother to my stepchildren. they don't even want to be around them. his children were, in my opinion, spoiled.
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[ child's voice ] can i have some? [ child's voice ] you guys should rock, paper, scissors for it. ok. [ chuckles ] best of three? sure. one-two-three-shoot. one-two-three-shoot. [ scoffs ] one-two-three-shoot. one-two-three-shoot. one-two-three-shoot. one-two-three-shoot. i win! oh, man. [ muffled ] congratulations. [ male announcer ] get your own bbq pulled pork sub at subway®. tender, slow-cooked pork with irresistibly bold barbecue sauce. subway. eat fresh®. >> dr. phil: if you're going to be in the los angeles area and would like to see "the dr. phil show" in person, call 323-461-phil. that's 323-461-7445.
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or you can go to and click on be in the audience. the tickets are free and we have a great time here, right? >> yes. >> i come from a family that's all about discipline. we really didn't have any discussions about discipline before we got married. that was an oversight. we never talked about it. >> we definitely have our differences. when it comes to discipline, i feel as though the kids are constantly being picked on. >> we should have been on the same page because we're not even in the same book when it comes to discipline. >> dr. phil: well, that was maureen and pete talking about how they never discussed how they were going to discipline the kids before they got married. well, let's hear what pete and maureen's kids have to say about what's going on. >> you have to sit down and eat. >> mom can favor me and nicolette and anthony. >> he picks on nicolette and
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julianna. me and nicolette and julianna think he's not fair. >> his attitude can be like sometime it's cool and joking and sometimes it's -- pete can treat isabel better. he'll joke with them more. >> my dad and maureen got in a fight and my dad told me to go get my jacket and stuff and my shoes because we were going to leave and that got me upset. >> my mom and pete fight about stupid things and he'll walk out. he'll come back in and then they won't talk for like a couple of days. then it will get better. then, you know, the next day they'll get in another fight about something stupid. >> i wish that maureen and my dad wouldn't fight anymore because i like when we're all together. >> dr. phil: look, one thing we know about kids that have been through rocky situations, where there's been divorced, then they get into a blended family, they have needs.
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there is a sense of abandonment when there's a divorce. it's like, hey, somebody's gone. they weren't -- we weren't strong enough to hold this family together. there's a sense of abandonment there. so they need a sense of acceptance. they need an assurance of safety. they need to know that where we are now is secure because they thought the other one was. and it fell apart. now here we are in this one. is this one going to fall apart and they'll figure out how it's their fault if it does. i promise you. here you come saying get your coat. we're leaving. we're getting a divorce. this is over. it's like, wait a minute, i don't want to go. take that off of your list of behaviors. that's not okay. because you get over it. but the kids don't. it shakes the foundation. they all said you're fighting about dumb stuff.
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>> we do. >> i agree with that. >> dr. phil: okay. well, maureen's oldest daughter, juliana, who you just saw on the tape, is here. she says that she does notice some unfairness at home. do you want this family to stay together? >> yeah, i really do. >> dr. phil: why? >> because i love pete. and i feel real close to him. and even my mom. i trust them. and i like being together with them. >> dr. phil: but you don't want to see this fractured and fallen apart. >> no. >> dr. phil: one of the things that i think is a huge mistake here, huge mistake, you feel guilty if you spend time with the other's children and not your own. because you want so much for them to have a full experience of everything. >> yes. >> dr. phil: you got upset when she took her children to a movie. >> correct. >> dr. phil: the day before your children got there because they would like to have seen the
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movie. >> correct. >> dr. phil: but that wasn't the day she got asked to go to the movie with somebody. let me finish. let me finish. you wanted her to wait to celebrate one of her daughter's birthdays until your kids got there. >> correct. >> dr. phil: but i'm sure they celebrate their birthdays at their mother's house without having those kids over there. >> we were still planning on celebrating the birthday. >> dr. phil: of course, i get it. >> the day they would be there. >> dr. phil: i get it. you just didn't want to make your kids wait because their stepsisters weren't there. >> right. >> dr. phil: and that's a sure way to get them resenting each other. >> right. >> dr. phil: come on. we have to have some common sense in this. i understand there are formulas and psychological terms and all i can throw at you. but we've got to have some common sense here. >> i -- i tried -- i would have never made it an issue if nicolette didn't come to me. >> dr. phil: but think about it. you're a kid and it's your
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birthday. it's my birthday. let's have some cake. no. you wait for your stepsister to be here a week from thursday. [laughter] >> right. >> dr. phil: it's like, oh, great. >> right. >> dr. phil: why don't you -- you just put boxing gloves on them and put them in the ring? you couldn't sabotage this more if you were trying. i said there's a big mistake you're making. you need to do everything you can to support her having a unique connection with her children without your kids. even without the other of her kids. just to be with that child. every kid needs to have that unique relationship with their parent where you do things with them that you don't do with the others. i've got two boys. there were certain things i did with one that i didn't share with the other one. it was special. this is what we do. then with this one, here's what we do.
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and so these are my boys, jay and jordan. and, obviously, grown up now. but smiling. [laughter] you need to support that, not resent it. you resent her doing things with her children without yours there. and you need to do the same thing with him. you need to support him having some alone time, some unique time, some one-on-one time with his kids, and then we have time where everybody comes together. you're threatening the base of these children by fighting in front of them all the time because they don't want to hear it. do you want to hear it? do any of your sisters, brothers, do any of the kids want to hear it? >> no. >> dr. phil: you just want them to shut up. don't you? >> yeah. >> dr. phil: this situation can turn around. support one another's individual relationships with your kids. stop fighting around them and take divorce out of the vocabulary. give these kids a chance here. i mean, come on. >> i don't want to end up in divorce for these children.
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>> dr. phil: start with what i'm talking about and i want to hear how this works out, okay? all right. we're going to keep talking some more in a minute. when we come back, a stepmom who says she just has an aversion to her step kids and she says it's because they're nothing like her. well, maybe that's okay. we'll be right back. >> i don't feel like a real mother to my stepchildren. i don't even want to be around them. i'm cold to them because i resent them. our timmy. he's not a pet, he's our baby. that's why we feed him natural and holistic dog food from blue buffalo. because when you love them like family, you want to feed them like family. [ female announcer ] gold bond ultimate healing foot cream. 7 penetrating moisturizers and vitamins, 'cause foot skin's 20 times thicker. this stuff really works.
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>> dr. phil: if you would like to purchase a tape or transcript of your favorite "dr. phil show," please log on to or call 866-4-dr-phil. that's 866-437-7445. >> announcer: you are watching daytime's number one talk show. >> dr. phil: we've been talking today about blended families who just aren't quite gelling. now, i want you at home to weigh in. we have a conversation going on right now on from what i understand, it is very active. it's also on my facebook page. so you can head over there now and share how you've blended with your family. now, kelly could probably use some of your ideas. she says she doesn't always like to be around her step kids. take a look. >> hi, dr. phil. i'm a mother in a blended
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family. my husband and i have five children. i have two daughters. my husband has 13-year-old boy/girl twins. my problem is i don't feel like a real mother to my stepchildren. i don't even want to be around them. his children were, in my opinion, spoiled. they were given so much before i met them. i'm cold to them because i resent them. it makes me feel like a horrible person. i don't know if this is normal. i want to be a good parent, but i'm not. am i the only step parent with this problem? >> dr. phil: i think we've answered that question already. kelly and her husband, wayne, join us via polycom video. you've been listening to the show. right? >> oh, yes. we can relate. >> i can totally relate. i've taken a lot away from your show today, dr. phil. >> dr. phil: i hope so. here's the thing that i want to say to you, kelly. you know, first off, you said you actually resent these kids because they've had so much.
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that is very unfair. i mean, they didn't choose their life. secondly, you say that you have a hard time relating to them because they're not like you. what do you mean by that? >> i just mean they have different personalities. they were raised differently. trying to get so many people living under the same roof with different attitudes and behaviors, it's just very hard. our kids live with us all the time. we have them 24/7. >> dr. phil: did anybody in america talk and think about this before you got married? i mean, you're saying, all these people in the home like you didn't know they were coming! [laughter] i mean -- >> you're absolutely right. one of the things i took away was the comment you made earlier about the fact that, hey, we just go into this and expect everybody to fall into place and everything's going to be great. we think because we've got a
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great relationship and we want to be together, everybody else is going to fall in line. and that's not the case. and i've seen that here today and i live it on a daily basis. >> dr. phil: kelly, you had to know he had kids, right? >> certainly. >> dr. phil: you didn't meet him one night and marry him while you were drunk. [laughter] >> no. >> dr. phil: so you knew he had kids. >> i wish i had that excuse. >> dr. phil: yeah, exactly. you knew they were coming and they did. now they're all here. here's the deal. it's all about these expectations. you've got to decide, okay, look, it's unreasonable for me to expect them to be like me. it's unreasonable for me to expect myself to just all of a sudden fall in love with these kids. i don't even know them. i don't know who they are. [applause] so you have to decide as a parent that, you know what, these girls just won the stepmom lottery. you need to set about getting to know them. i'm going to find something in common with the boys, something in common with the girl. i'm going to find out what they're interested in. if they're interested in a particular music they like, then go listen to that music.
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learn some of those songs. if they're into a certain video game, when they're in school, go turn the damn thing on, find some commonality so you can build a relationship with those kids. you'll feel better about yourself and they will feel better about you. we've got to go. we'll be right back. >> announcer: wednesday on "dr. phil" -- >> dr. phil: she went into a full drug-fueled rage. >> stop it now! now! get off of me! >> you need this! >> dr. phil: you're standing in the background saying i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry. this is your chance to be the mother you feel you should have been then. >> this is the last time you'll ever see me. >> announcer: then on thursday -- a daughter with anorexia and a family -- >> dr. phil: you and this disease are dictating what's going on with this family.
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>> announcer: -- living in fear. >> i feel if i don't help meagan, she'll die. >> i wasn't a good enough father. >> announcer: and anger. >> it's like i'm invisible. i don't matter. >> dr. phil: if we're going to help you, it's going to take everybody and it's going to take helping yourself. (announcer) chug that coffee, bolt that burrito. no matter what life throws at you, you can take the heat. until it turns into... heartburn. good thing you've got what it takes to beat that heat, too. zantac. it's strong, just one pill can knock out the burn. it's fast, the speed you need for heartburn relief. and it lasts, up to 12 hours. so let them turn up the heat. you can stop that heartburn cold: (sssssssss!!!) zantac. [ vet ] your turn max. [ cat ] inside and out. and i'm not the only one who thinks so...right doc? [ female announcer ] vets agree, a healthy check up starts inside. our breakthrough iams premium protection formula
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learn more at >> dr. phil: you can always stop by 24 hours a day, seven days a week. there you'll discover more on today's show and learn life
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strategies. i want to thank all of my guests for being here today. this is such a huge topic that i think by talking about it with you guys, i think, hopefully, it informs a lot of people that are out there. in the audience, how many of you are in some way part of a blended family unit, raise your hand. oh, wow! see, that's a lot of people. if you're having trouble in your blended family, log on to and you can send me your story. and, guys, we're going to follow up with you. we've got some things we want you to do and we'll see this turn around. these are two situations that can be and will work. the bald guys will prevail. [laughter] thank you so much. [applause]
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